The Bedtime Tag – good and bad habits

Like just about everyone who scrolled past a social media mention of The Bedtime Tag, I thought it was a quiz about your bedtime routines for your kids. So I ignored it for a while because I’ve already written about my kids’ bedtime routine. When I actually clicked on to read one, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it’s about grownups, and what we parents get up to before we go to sleep (for however short a time before a small human requires attention).

So here is a little insider info about my bedtime habits, with thanks to Kimberly from Odd Hogg for tagging me.

Describe your usual bedtime routine.

I usually stagger upstairs at about 10pm if I have work the next day. I make it to 11 or later on the weekend. I put my phone on to charge, go upstairs to get changed and brush my teeth, then I read a chapter of my book before going to sleep. Wow, that wasn’t as interesting to describe as I thought it would be. Oh well, read on – it gets better.

What are your favourite pyjamas?

I am faddy about sleepwear. On most occasions, I go to bed sporting only pants. Sometimes I add an old ratty t-shirt to the mix. But I do have some nice pajamas. My mother-in-law buys me lovely ones at Christmas most years. This year I got some nice satin-y ones – a button-up top & long bottoms – black with colourful flowers on.

What is your current bedtime reading?

Last summer, my brother-in-law recommended a series of fantasy books by Robin Hobb. They have a bit of magic, a few dragons, some romance and plenty of violence. But the best thing about them for me is the writing is incredibly good. She talks about some pretty interesting aspects of humanity cloaked in a gripping story. There is lots of realism mixed in with the escapism. If you want to try reading them, start with The Farseer Trilogy.

I don’t always read fantasy though, I like to read classic novels too. Last year this time I was reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Brontë. It’s a smashing piece of emergent feminism.

What would I find on your bedside table?

My awesome alarm clock that slowly wakes you up with natural light. It combats Seasonal Affective Disorder and has made it so much easier for me to wake on dark winter mornings. I also have my Kindle, a bottle of water, and some random crap – possibly empty medicine packets from whenever the last time I was sick.

What scent makes you sleepy?

I’m not sure if any scent makes me sleepy exactly, but I love the smell of lavender for relaxation. My dad used to put lavender in the heating vents when I was young, and our house always smelled beautiful and felt relaxing.

What is your usual bedtime and wakeup time?

Bedtime was covered above. I have to wake up at 6:45am on the days I work in London, and the kids wake me sometime between 7 and 8am on non-work days (on top of the 2 – 6 times the toddler woke me in the night).

What are your top three bedtime products?

Try as I might, I can never seem to get into using lots of beauty products at bedtime. I don’t put any age-defying goop on my face.

So my top three products at bedtime are toothpaste, easy-glide floss, and GUM interdental brushes. Seriously, all I do at bedtime is care for my teeth. As they say in Pretty Woman, “you shouldn’t neglect your gums”.

And if I might be allowed to add a cheeky 4th item: my memory foam pillow. My husband got it for my birthday and although it didn’t seem very romantic at the time, my sleep has been improved by it ten-fold.

What is your most common sleeping position

I think I probably end up on my tummy a lot, but I toss and turn a lot and give all of the positions a turn.

Do you have anything you like to take to bed with you?

My husband?! Sorry, couldn’t resist. I think the answer to that is no. I still have some beloved soft toys from my childhood, but they sit near the bed and no longer accompany me into it.

What is your worst bedtime habit?

This is really bad. Environmentalists and keepers of tidy houses alike will hate me.I mentioned I keep a water bottle on my bedside table. So basically, I reuse plastic water bottles at my bedside many times over. But when I’m ready to have a new plastic bottle, I bring a new one upstairs. And then I often just stick the old one on the floor just under the bed. I end up with a collection of dusty used water bottles under my bed. I occasionally have a clearout. I know, you’re disgusted with me now. I should have just said “trumping”. 😉

I tag Kelly from Kelly Allen Writer, Vic from Mum Times Two, and That Mummy Blog to complete the questions above.

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THE RULES OF THE BEDTIME TAG

Step 1: Thank the person who nominated you, and link back to their blog.
Step 2: Display The Bedtime Tag badge; which you can find above. (save the picture)
Step 3: Answer the ten questions included above.
Step 4: Nominate fellow bloggers to take part and answer the above questions.

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Tarragon Chicken with Mushroom and Spinach recipe

I don’t always have it in me to eat kid-type foods, so I make my kids eat grownup food once in a while. This is a recipe that can easily be used for a dinner party, but my kids really like it too! As with most of my meals, I try to hide vegetables and use mild spices. You can opt out of the splash of white wine if your kids are just not having it, but it really does add an acidity that cuts the cream nicely.

I like the fragrance of fresh tarragon, but dried works really well, and I even use a bit of the dry flake to top up the tarragon flavour at the end if necessary. I prefer to use my cast iron pan, to get good colour on the chicken, but your favourite browning pan will still work a treat. Try not to shift the chicken once you’ve placed it so that a nice rich colour develops, even if it’s only on one side. It’ll add to the flavour of the dish once you deglaze with the wine or water.

My house was smelling so good once I got started on this, and it only took 45 minutes from start to finish. A midweek feast, really, and easy with plain white rice to serve. I use my rice cooker with just a tab of butter and dash of salt to cook with the rice. The sauce from this recipe requires no additional flavour from the rice as it’s so rich and creamy.

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You’ll need:

  • 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
  • 2-3 chicken breasts
  • 2-3 sprigs fresh tarragon (2 tablespoons dried)
  • 1 cup sliced leek
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp black or white pepper
  • 1 tsp dried garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon salted butter
  • ¼ cup white wine (optional)
  • ½ cup warm water
  • 2 cups single cream or half and half
  • 1 cup finely chopped white mushrooms
  • 1 cup chopped spinach (I use frozen)
  • 1 teaspoon white granulated sugar
  • Serve with white or brown rice for four adult meals, 2 cups dry rice should do the trick

The method:

Warm your oil in a pan over a medium heat before adding the sliced leeks and a handful of tarragon leaves (no stems). Allow the leeks and leaves to lightly fry for about 1-2 minute.

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Press the leeks to the side of the pan to clear the oil; you’ve now flavoured it for cooking the chicken.Tilted pan.jpg

Add the chicken breast, room temperature is best for getting good colour, and put the leeks on top of the breast so the chicken gets good contact with the pan and the leeks don’t burn.

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Allow the chicken to brown, try not to shift it, for about 3 minutes on each side.

Add a tab of butter and allow it to melt before adding the mushrooms.

Add the mushrooms in around the chicken to allow a light fry in the oil with the leeks and tarragon mostly on top of the chicken.

Remove the chicken to a plate and cover with aluminium foil.

Add the white wine or a bit of water to deglaze the pan; basically scrape everything off the bottom to save that flavour for your sauce.

Add the cream and combine, allowing it to come up to a light bubble.

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Add the chopped spinach and incorporate into the sauce.

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Add the garlic, sugar, salt and pepper, and any dry tarragon you feel you need to taste.

Add the chicken back to the pan with any juices from resting and allow to lightly simmer for about 15-20 minutes over a low heat. You can cover the pan if you feel like it’s reducing too quickly.

I use a rice cooker to make 2 cups of white rice to serve, so this is the perfect time to get that started. The chicken and rice should finish at just about the same time.

Check the largest/thickest piece of chicken after 15 minutes simmering to see if the juices are running clear. Once you’re satisfied the chicken is cooked through, turn off the heat and serve over the rice.

Depending on how much sauce you want, you can allow this reduce further, or add a bit more cream to mellow the flavours for younger diners.

The mushrooms and spinach disappear into the leeks and tarragon, and the sauce is just lovely over the rice. It’s a pretty healthy meal, really, and gluten free! Enjoy!

Sparkly Mummy

How to go on a date with your partner when you have young children

Recently, my husband and I really, really wanted to see the latest Star Wars movie together. In order for us both to be away from our children long enough, we both had to take a day off work. And by the time we added on a modest lunch at Nandos, cinema tickets and some popcorn, we’d spent around £50.

On special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, our dates are even more expensive. We’ll hire a babysitter, go to a decent restaurant and have a few drinks. By the time we’ve paid for the babysitter, the meal, the drinks and the taxi, we usually spend in the range of £200.

Having quality time with your partner when you have young children gets expensive and is often inconvenient too. I always worry about leaving my kids with a babysitter. Which is why “date nights”, for us, only happen a few times per year.

So I was excited when I was approached by Date Delivered to review one of their dates-in-a-box. They send you supplies for a fun and creative activity to do at home, ostensibly after the kids are in bed and actually sleeping. The boxes cost £33.95, which sounds expensive at first, but when you think back to how much you spend on going out, it’s a bargain.

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You can sign up for a subscription to receive a box every month, or every 3 months. Or you can just buy it as one-off. There are options to send them as gifts as well – a great alternative to a more traditional hamper. There is a fun quiz on the website about what you like as a couple, which helps determine what sorts of boxes you will receive.

The cocktails

The best sort of date for my husband and I turned out to be alcohol-related. Fancy that! So Date Delivered sent us a rum cocktail making kit. It came with the cocktail recipes, the rum and other special ingredients, some snacks and a list of conversation starters. It all looked so pretty and enticing in the box.

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And indeed out of the box. Yum. Rum.

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At this point, I should probably caution my readers who are planning on trying the cocktail-making kit that you really do need to read the instructions before you start. There is extra stuff you need to find. Ice, for starters. Luckily we had some ready in the freezer, but it was depleted because my 4yo son has a serious ice-water habit. We also needed some lime and grapefruit juices, a cocktail shaker and something to measure out the ingredients.

Luckily because we’re a boozy sort of household, we had all this stuff on hand. Although it would be good if the kit could include something to measure the booze. Because my husband is a scientific type and makes his own beer in his spare time, we used a graduated cylinder. Like total geeks. Maybe we’re a bit uptight, but we had to get it exactly right!

My husband also will divorce me if I don’t mention that the cocktail recipe card said you could make 4-6 cocktails with what was provided. He pointed out that the measures were exact and therefore you could only make precisely 5 cocktails with what was provided. Whatevs, though – 5 was definitely enough!

The conversation

So the cocktails were super tasty, as cocktails usually are. The salted caramel popcorn that we had with it was delicious as well. But surely the important thing about this product is whether it actually made for a romantic date night. Did we reconnect? Did we feel amorous?

Yes! We were both a bit surprised by how much fun we had. It was funny because I was spectacularly bad at making the cocktails. So we bickered a bit and then laughed about me not knowing how to shake a cocktail shaker. Here is my husband demonstrating while he laughs at me:

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The conversation starter card that came with the date was also surprisingly good. When I read them on my own, I thought they sounded pretty cringey and that we’d be too embarrassed to try them. But once we had a couple measures of rum in us, we went through all of them and enjoyed laughing about old times.

One of the questions was, “if you could recreate one of our dates, which one would it be?”. My husband wanted to replicate our very first date, but not for the reasons you’d think. He thought it was funny because I ordered a filet of fish at the restaurant but then sent it back because it had bones in it. As far as I’m concerned, the word “filet” means “bones have been removed”. Some men would have been turned off by my diva-ish attitude, but apparently my husband found it endearing.

Another fun one was, “If you could name a cocktail based on me, what would it be called?” That was a tricky one. He named my cocktail “The Clumsy Wife” and I named his “Mr Know-it-all”.

It was great to flirt and tease each other. We didn’t discuss the kids or household admin for a change. We just had a fun chat with no mention of the washing up or who needed to go where the next day.

The verdict

We had a great time! It’s a fantastic way to ensure you and your partner make time for one another without all of the hassle and expense of arranging a date outside the home. And it is so exciting to receive a mysterious box and find out what your activity is going to be this time. I think I might actually sign up to receive a quarterly box myself.

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Win one for yourself!

Date Delivered has very kindly agreed to provide one of the cocktail making date boxes to one of my lucky readers.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER THE RAFFLECOPTER GIVEAWAY.

Giveaway terms & conditions

  • This competition will open on 2 February and will close on 18 February at 12am GMT.
  • One winner will be selected at random.
  • The winner will receive one cocktail-making date-in-a-box, sent directly by Date Delivered.
  • UK entrants only.
  • No cash alternative will be offered.
  • The winner will be announced on The Mum Reviews’ social media outlets, not the blog.
  • The winner will have 28 days to respond to their winner’s email.

Disclosure: I received a Date Delivered box for purposes of this review, but all views are my own.

Listed on The Competition Database and Loquax.

SuperLucky Blog Giveaway Linky

When you want to stop breastfeeding

I have written before about how I struggled to establish breastfeeding with both of my boys. There is a lot on the internet about how hard it can be to start breastfeeding, but something that gets less attention is just how hard it can be to stop breastfeeding! This is a time that can be difficult emotionally, physically and practically.

Emotionally – because it’s a little sad to move on from that lovely physical closeness with your baby.

Physically – because you have to stop feeding gradually to avoid engorged breasts and complications like mastitis.

Practically – because you worry whether your baby will be getting enough nutrients elsewhere / whether baby will take a bottle or cup / whether baby will go to sleep without the comfort of the breast.

I fed my sons until they were 18 and 16 months old, respectively. When I stopped with each of them, I was definitely ready to move on. At least in my head I was ready to move on. My heart and the rest of my body was not quite so convinced. There were several stages of stopping breastfeeding and at every point I worried and worried.

Going back to work

Obviously if you want to go to work, you have to find a way to be able to leave your baby for a full day without receiving any breastfeed directly from you. I know that lots of mums worry about how to do this and I was one of them. I was mostly okay with my first son because I already was combination feeding him, so he was happy to take a bottle full of formula in the day. I had more trouble with my second, who downright refused to take a bottle or any formula.

Many mums manage to express milk to be fed to their children in their absence via a bottle or cup. I was not one of them. When I went back to work with my youngest he was 9 months old. I halfheartedly suggested to his nursery that they could offer him a cup full of formula in the day. He never would drink it. Eventually, he just got older and didn’t need that milk in the day anyway.

He happily started drinking cow’s milk from a cup when he was 1. So everything just worked out. I worried a lot but it seems my baby just got on with things. I want to tell mums not to worry as much as I did – that your baby will find a way to get on with things without you physically there to feed, regardless of whether you’re expressing / they’ll take a bottle / cup / formula, etc. But you probably won’t listen to me and worry anyway. It’s okay to worry.

Night weaning

There eventually came a point in my feeding, when each boy was about 1 year old, that I thought they were just taking the mickey with night feeds. They were definitely eating and drinking enough in the day, and yet at around this age they started waking more than ever and demanding milk every couple of hours. So I decided to “night wean” them, meaning no more milk in the middle of the night.

My decision to do this was fraught with guilt and worry. First of all, I worried that they wouldn’t go back to sleep at all if I didn’t feed them back to sleep. I worried that I might be depriving them of something they needed. And I felt sad about moving on from those sleepy middle-of-the-night cuddles.

But at the same time I was exhausted from getting up multiple times in the night and feeding for at least half an hour each time. I was certain they were getting enough food and milk in the day. I was desperate to be able to sleep a whole night and let my husband settle them for me if they woke. Or even more exciting, to feed them to sleep at bedtime and then go out for the evening without needing to feed again until morning!

So I tried settling them with sips of water and pushing the length of time between night feeds by 30 minutes each night until they were going all night without a feed. It took ages before they adjusted to the change, but it did work eventually. Both my babies actually slept better when they weren’t having milk all night. I wonder if maybe it gave them upset tummies to feed all night.

Dropping the last feeds

So at some point I got to the stage when the only feeds my babies were having were 1 in the morning and 1 before bed. I did things quite differently with my two at this stage.

With my first, I decided to cut out the evening feed first, because I wanted to break the association with breastfeeding and going to sleep. It took a long time for him to learn to settle without the breast, but eventually we got there. I think carried on with the morning milk until one day he rolled away from me and giggled in the morning instead of latching on. So that was it. I was a little sad about moving on, but it seemed like the choice had been his, so I was at peace with that.

With my youngest I was less organised and less patient. I had such trouble night weaning him, that I just couldn’t face trying to cut out that last nighttime feed. So I just wandered off! I went on a work trip and left my husband to deal with the fallout. As it turns out, with my boobs in a different country, my baby went to sleep just fine with cuddles from daddy. Go figure. I brought my breast pump with me in case of engorgement, but it seems not much milk was in there anyway as I didn’t feel like I needed to pump at all.

Lessons learned

So the reason I thought I’d share my story is because I was emotional, worried, and sometimes even guilty throughout the process of stopping breastfeeding. And I remember googling “stopping breastfeeding” to try to find reassurance, but there wasn’t much out there.

So what I’d like to say is:

  • it’s okay to feed for as long as you like
  • but it’s also okay to stop whenever YOU want or need to
  • it’s okay to feel emotional
  • but you and and your baby will be fine.

If you really need some extra support, consider talking to your local NCT breastfeeding counsellor or visiting a breastfeeding support group. They will be able to offer you personalised support and advice, and many will be able to relate to what you’re going through.

Petite Pudding
Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
Tammymum

Roasted Sweet Potato and Lentil Curry recipe

This a great detox dish if you’re fed up of heavy meals and roasts after Christmas. It’s naturally sweetened by the roasted sweet potatoes, and brightened with lemon or lime juice. My daughter happily scoops up this dinner with her tiny 4-year-old hands, relishing every bite. She even asked for it for lunch, declaring she hates sandwiches and needs lentils and rice. It is a perfect combination for young eaters – easy to eat independently once mummy mixes it together so the rice is coated.

I like the texture and sweetness that oven-baked sweet potato adds to this recipe, and the kids do as well. I’m usually the kind of cook that likes a one-pot meal, but the added baking dish is totally worth it for this. The bonus in the winter is the warmth to be gained from 45 minutes of a high temperature oven. Yes please! This recipe includes carrots, sweet peppers and peas in the rice, so it packs a veggie punch. No meat here, but you could add some tandoori chicken from my previous recipe if you feel like you need it. Lentils provide plenty of protein, though, so we don’t miss the meat. Serving it with a bit of Greek yogurt also adds protein, and creaminess!

I must admit that I don’t measure my spices – I add in dashes – so the measurements in the recipe are approximate. You can use a tandoori spice mix, garam masala or a curry powder that you like instead, but the below spices are those that I find work best with this recipe, so I dash them in. If you prefer, you can add about 1 tablespoon of your mix of choice instead of those below, but I encourage you to try your hand at a bit of dramatic flair and pinch, dash or sprinkle right into the pan.

This is best served with rice; I use jasmine rice because you don’t need to rinse it and it’s a straightforward 1 rice to 2 water ratio. For curry, I like to add frozen peas and a dash of Chinese Five Spice to cook with the rice for the aromatic favour it adds. Whether using a pot or rice cooker, I recommend layering the frozen peas first, then a tab of butter and sprinkle of five spice, then the rice and lastly the water. It saves the rice from burning to the bottom if, for a multitude of mom reasons, you can’t get to it right on time.

Even on its own, this lentil dish is delicious and can be spiced up with chili for braver tastebuds. My kids like it mild, so I don’t have chili here, but feel free to add it to taste.

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You’ll need:

  • 1 medium sweet potato
  • 1 tablespoon vegetable oil of choice, high heat tolerant (olive oil isn’t recommended)
  • 1 tablespoon ghee or veg oil
  • 1 medium chopped white onion (about ¾ cup if using frozen)
  • 1 cup/1 medium finely chopped or grated carrot (I use a cheese grater)
  • 1 cup/1 medium finely chopped bell pepper (yellow hides really well)
  • 1 cup rinsed red lentils (or yellow, but please rinse well)
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon cardamom powder
  • ½ teaspoon cinnamon powder
  • ½ teaspoon turmeric powder
  • ½ teaspoon garlic powder
  • ½ teaspoon cumin powder
  • ½ teaspoon paprika powder
  • 1 cup roughly chopped coriander/cilantro (fresh is best, but use less if using those little tubes…)
  • 3+ cups of warm water (additional water to top it up as needed to soften lentils)
  • 3 tablespoons Greek yogurt (optional, but adds creaminess)
  • If serving with rice, I use 2 cups jasmine rice, 4 cups water, 1 cup frozen peas, a tab of butter and a dash of Chinese Five Spice.

The method:

Begin with preheating your oven to 400F/200C for the sweet potatoes.

Peel and chop the potato into roughly the same size pieces for even cooking and add to the tray.

Toss the potatoes in a bit of oil and cover with aluminium foil for the first half of the baking time (20-30 minutes).

In a large skillet, add the ghee or oil, onion and carrots, and lightly brown over a medium-high heat for 2-3 minutes.

Measure and rinse your lentils, ensuring the water runs clear through a sieve. Add the lentils and the peppers to the onions and carrots.

Add your dry spices and coriander to the mixture. You can use a premixed dry curry spice if you prefer.

Give it all a good stir to coat the lentils well with your spices, and allow them to lightly fry for about 2 minutes before adding the water to cover the lentils.

Reduce the heat to med/low, cover your skillet with a lid and allow the curry to soften. You want to be sure the lentils are covered, so you may need to top up the water occasionally. This should only take 20 minutes, but it depends on the lentils.

After 20-30 minutes in the oven, remove the aluminium foil from the sweet potatoes and finish uncovered for an additional 15-20 minutes, or until lightly-browned edges show off the natural caramelisation.

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Once the lentils are just about the desired texture, the sweet potatoes should also be done, approximately 45 minutes all in. Remove the potatoes from the oven and add to the curry. The potato pieces will naturally break apart into the curry as you stir them into the mixture.

At this point, I’ve usually started my rice. There’s a lot going on with this dish, but it simmers away without needing attention, so there’s plenty of time to get the rice going in time for serving. The curry will happily bubble away, reducing to your favourite consistency.

The roasted sweet potato thickens the dish, so you can mix it thoroughly or leave larger bits – it’s up to you! If you like the added creaminess, you can also add the Greek yogurt to mellow the spices and sweetness. If adding yogurt, be sure the temperature is reduced and you just bring the curry back to a light bubble before serving.

We enjoy this with just a bit of rice and a nice big ladle full of lentils. My husband and I usually add a dash of chili flake or a spicy chutney, just for the heat. My daughter especially loves this curry, and doesn’t even need rice. I hope you give this a try and enjoy!
 

Sparkly Mummy

 

When am I going to drop a plate?

I have had this post title, ‘When am I going to drop a plate’ in draft for months – probably since shortly after I started this blog last July. What do I mean by dropping a plate?

I mean that this guy is a metaphor for my life: giphy.gif

Running around, trying to make sure all the plates are balancing on all the sticks. It’s impossible to be everywhere at once or to keep the plates spinning forever. Sooner or later, one of them is going to fall. Even more likely: they will all come crashing down at once.

I have felt like I’ve been coasting along keeping the plates spinning for quite a while. But all the time with a sense of foreboding that I couldn’t keep it up forever.

And perhaps unsurprisingly, this January has been accompanied by the jangling of smashing crockery.

I was staying healthy, but now I have the flu. I had a flu jab, but I still got the flu.

I was keeping up with work at my day job, but now I’ve missed 3 days in a row from the flu, so cue the overflowing inbox next time I have the strength to look at it.

I was keeping the house tidy. Now it is not tidy.

I was keeping up with the blog. Now I’m struggling to write anything or find time to promote it.

I was staying positive mentally. Now a beloved relative is very unwell and I can’t help but dwell on that. Even though my being upset will do absolutely nothing to change it.

I’m just about managing to keep the kids alive and happy. That’s the only plate that is never allowed to fall.

What do you do when your plates come crashing down? I’ve been limping along, pretending they’re still spinning, doing the bare minimum of everything just to get by. Then when the bug hit, I let them fall. I was relieved for an excuse to lay in bed for 3 days straight (at least while the kids were at school/nursery, that is – not everyone has that luxury).

How do you get some new plates and start them spinning again? Do you focus on one at a time until you can slowly build back up to the full performance? Do you hoist them all up again with one herculean effort? Do you sweep one of the plates under the carpet and pretend to forget about it?

The plate that would be forgotten, swept away, and never replaced would have to be the blog. I’m not allowed to give up on working or existing. I even (vaguely) need to keep my house tidy.

But I’m not one who easily lets go of things. Whether that’s a good or bad quality – it’s difficult to say. It makes it harder for me to accept that things change. But it might just help me keep going when I feel like quitting.

So I’m going to focus on one plate at a time for now. Tonight I’m hoisting up the blog plate with this honest post about how hard it is to keep going sometimes. This weekend, I’ll look after myself, my house and my kids. On Monday, I’ll tackle those work emails.

And I’ll forgive myself for all the broken plates. Because none of it would be worth doing if it was easy. And gravity catches up with us all.

The Pramshed

Why we shouldn’t reward children for good attendance at school

This is a rant – prepare yourself!

If you have a child in school, you might understand the constant haranguing they give you about attendance. At the end of last term, I got a note saying that my son had a 97.13% attendance rate (or something like that – they definitely did it to two decimal points) . It said that they wanted to remind me about how important attendance is. I was annoyed by this. His slightly less than perfect attendance record was because of illness – one day for a tummy bug and another for an ongoing investigation for which I provided the school with a paediatrician’s note.

To my ongoing frustration, at every school assembly, they go through each class in the school and announce their attendance rates. Then, the class with the best attendance gets a trophy! At the end of term, pupils with perfect attendance get to stand up in front of the school to be applauded.

I’m aware that Ofsted sets a target of 95% attendance for schools, and schools who don’t work to improve attendance can be penalised. But surely the strategy of rewarding the children is not only completely useless, but also dreadfully unfair for the children?

First of all, many children have less than perfect attendance because of illness. Particularly in the infant school years, bugs are rife. So why should children miss out on a reward because they were forced to stay home puking or trying not to scratch their chicken pox?

Worse than that, what if a child has a chronic illness that causes them to miss large amounts of school? How is it fair to make them feel bad about that further by them never being rewarded for good attendance?

It’s not a child’s fault if they’re ill. Not getting sick does not deserve a reward.

Furthermore, surely the attendance targets are meant to mitigate truancy that is caused by parents. But condescending notes and passive aggressive reward schemes at assemblies are not going to fix the problems. If parents, rather than illness, are causing truancy, there are a few likely causes:

  • They’ve gone on a term-time holiday. I personally believe everyone should be allowed these or schools should have different term times to make holidays affordable. But that’s an argument for another post. Anyway, if a fine doesn’t deter parents from term-time holidays, an attendance trophy sure as heck won’t either.
  • Parents are unwell themselves or in some sort of dire straits with their relationships or finances. These parents probably won’t even come to the family assembly to receive their attendance-related browbeating. And they probably won’t read the condescending notes written on tiny slips of paper and stuffed into their child’s bookbag either.
  • Parents actually just don’t care. I think this is probably pretty rare, but it can happen. This sort of parent will not be motivated to change their behaviour by whether their child’s class gets an attendance trophy.

So, in essence, the notes and trophies are completely meaningless gestures meant to appease Ofsted and other onlookers that the school is acting to prevent truancy. They are going for the low-hanging fruit by guilting and worrying engaged and conscientious parents about their children’s rare days of missed school.

True action to prevent truancy that is actually preventable (i.e. not caused by genuine illness) would involve improving the link between school and parents. I think I’m a fairly engaged parent, and I’m extremely eager to support the school in educating my child. But I also often find the school run intimidating and isolating. Everyone’s rushing. Everyone talks to the people they already know and don’t always put on a friendly face.

I can’t imagine how difficult that might be for someone who was truly struggling with personal, health, social or financial issues.

I don’t have a solution for how things can be fixed. But I do think that schools should focus their efforts on working with social services to truly prevent truancy. I also think they should work harder to build a sense of community within the school and a sense of rapport between teachers and students. How about having the odd social occasion that doesn’t involve more bleeding fundraising? I would love to speak to my son’s teachers when we weren’t all busy and running off to the next thing. I don’t even know the teaching assistants’ names.

So, yes, this is a rant. But it’s also an appeal to stop using an ineffective and excluding method to improve attendance. In order to participate in any community, people need to feel like that community is ready to accept and support them. Building such a community is where the real work of improving attendance could be done.

Does your school reward attendance? Do you think it works?

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
Two Tiny Hands

Chocolate Date Bread recipe

This is a bread loaf recipe that I use whenever I find myself with some dates. You can chop up your own, or score some candied nuggets as I’ve pictured. I can usually find these boxes of date nuggets at the grocery store around Christmas time, and I stock up. You can find dried dates year round, and this recipe is just as delicious with the food processor dicing up the fruit and adding a little extra sugar.

My family love this for pudding, breakfast, snack and elevensies; it’s not just a Christmas pud, even if it’s perfect for the holidays as well. I’ve often gifted a loaf of this bread to new mums or for parties, because it stays moist for ages if you store it in a ziplock bag before slicing to serve. My daughter calls this my figgy pudding, mostly because it’s always around for tree decorating and accompanied with warm drinks. It’s simply the easiest bread I’ve ever made, and it always garners rave reviews.

I like that this bread requires I put the kettle on. I call it my cuppa tea bread; it starts with making a cuppa, and is usually in the oven by the time I’ve finished it. Strictly speaking, it’s best to let the dates soak for up 45 minutes, until they’re nice and soft, but I usually get away with 20 minutes with the nuggets, and it leaves larger chunks of fruit. If I’ve diced whole, dried dates, I usually make sure I let the dates soak a little longer before I get started with the rest of the dough. That way I’ve softened the skins as much as possible before adding in to bake. Both methods are here, and both are easy, quick and delicious! Happy baking!

Chocolate Date Bread vertical.jpg

You’ll Need:

  • ¾ cup diced dates
  • 1 1/8 cup boiling water
  • 1 ½ tsp baking soda
  • 1 cup white granulated sugar (3/4 cup if using candied date nuggets)
  • 1 ½ TB butter, softened
  • 1 med egg
  • ½ tsp salt
  • ½+ tsp vanilla (up to 1 tsp, to taste)
  • 2 ¼ cup plain white flour (not self-raising)
  • 1 cup chocolate chips
  • Optional 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

The Method:

Put the kettle on with enough for your cuppa and the cup of water to soak the dates. If you’re using the nuggets, you won’t need to prepare the dates first, but if you’re dicing yourself, have the bits ready for the boiling water. I usually have the food processor whizz up the dates if I’m starting with whole, but you can easily hand chop rough bits. Nuggets are usually candied with sugar, so I reduce the amount of sugar I add to the dough.

Preheat your oven to 300F/150C and grease a loaf pan, 9 x 5 inches is best.

Add the boiling water to the dates and baking soda in a heatproof container, and allow all three to fizz away for about 20-40 minutes. You want the dates to be soft and fluffy, and the water to cool before you add it to the dough.

Date bread ingredients.jpg

While your dates soften, cream together the butter and white sugar before beating in the egg.

Adding the egg.jpg

Check the temperature of the dates after they’ve soaked for 20 minutes, and add to the mixture once you’re happy the dates are soft. Add the salt and vanilla and stir together well with a rubber spatula or wooden spoon.

Add the flour in gradually in three or four batches, ensuring the batter is well mixed.

Mixing batter.jpg

Add the chocolate chips, and walnuts if you like, and mix in with a few strokes. Try not to over stir and allow the flour to get too stretchy, it’ll make it a bit dense. The chocolate chips may melt a bit while you stir, so not over doing it at this stage will also help keep chips.

Pour the batter into your greased loaf tin and set it in the middle of the oven for one hour.

Once a toothpick slides out clean from the middle, it’s done. I almost never need more than the 1 hour exactly, but all ovens vary.

Allow to cool before removing from the tin and serve in slices. Enjoy!

Sparkly Mummy
Link up your recipe of the week

‘You are my son. You are mine and I am yours, regardless.’

*Trigger warning: stillbirth/baby loss*

This beautifully written and heartbreaking piece is a guest post by Natalie Louise Oldham. You can read more of her writing on her blog, AfterOtis.

It was 7 November 2015 when we saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test. As soon as I saw them I loved you. The second I knew you existed, I knew I would die for you … but I was scared! I didn’t know what people would think about me having three children at 22. I just knew, in that moment, that I wanted you.

I started telling family and friends pretty much right away, because if something had happened to you then I didn’t want to ‘do it’ alone –  I knew I would need their support to get through it. I told your big sisters a few days after finding out too. I cannot begin to tell you how excited they were to have a baby brother or sister! Cora and Maisie pretty much had your future planned out by the time I was 7 weeks pregnant with you. Cora wanted you to be a girl, so she could call you Rapunzel and dress you up. Maisie wanted you to be a boy so she had someone to play Spiderman with (she is seriously obsessed!).

Everything went amazingly well. I did have a small bleed when I was around 9 weeks pregnant with you, but a scan showed your strong heartbeat! Fast forward a few weeks and I had a dating scan confirming that we were 14 weeks pregnant; you were perfectly formed, perfectly healthy. I had no reason to worry. We were SAFE.  

We reached 18 weeks and curiosity got the better of me (I say I wanted to be prepared, but I just really wanted to know who you were). So I had a gender scan and found out that we were expecting a little boy – you are my first son! I cannot tell you how happy it made me, knowing my family was going to be complete. I had my princesses, and now I had my prince. We started thinking of names for you. We had Hughie, Lennox, Otis and Alfie on our list. For a while, you were Phoenix, but after a close friend named their baby Phoenix, I changed my mind.

I’m not a very decisive person at all, so I didn’t choose your name for a while after. I wanted to be sure that it was perfect for you; that it was YOUR name; that, when you were born, I couldn’t imagine you having a different name. I completely believe, in hindsight, that I made the perfect choice.

At 20 weeks, I attended our anomaly scan. I wanted to wait until we had this one to make sure everything was okay before spoiling you rotten. You passed with flying colours! Perfect in every single way, growing well, nothing at all wrong with you. How lucky am I?! I was definitely safe at this point.

I started shopping straight away. I bought your cot, your pram, a LOT of clothes, a breastfeeding cushion, decorations for your nursery (for which your older sisters chose a ‘jungle’ theme) …

On April 11th, at 27 weeks pregnant, you decided to give us a scare and you wanted to come Earthside, but it was way too early. The doctors managed, after 3 weeks of continuous trying and constant contractions, to stop my labour completely. You had some more growing to do yet. I had a scan a couple of days before leaving hospital on May 11th and you were still perfectly healthy. It was amazing! I loved seeing you grow, and watching you thrive.

I went home. On May 12th, I moved house – I needed somewhere bigger so there was room for you. The first thing I did that day was organise your nursery. As I said earlier, the girls had picked a ‘Jungle’ nursery theme for you and I couldn’t wait to see it completed. I decorated your walls with animals, I put up your cot, I put up your wardrobe and your chest of drawers, I put up your moses basket and laid down your rug – your nursery was ready for you to come home to. It’s such a cute nursery.

On May 15th, mummy got poorly and I was admitted to hospital. JUST to be on the safe side, and after orders from my consultant prior to being discharged a few days prior, we had a growth scan to make sure you were coping okay. It was scheduled for the day after, on May 16th.

I loved seeing you on that screen again. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms but I had NO idea that it would be only a couple of weeks later …

You arrived Earthside on June the 3rd, 2016. You had the most beautiful little button nose, perfect little toes, quirky elf ears and your daddy’s lips. You weighed 5lbs, 1oz, and you measured 54cm long. You were, and are, pure perfection. I had spent weeks growing to love you, getting to know you. The second I laid eyes on you, I fell in love with you all over again …

There was just me, your daddy and our midwife Nicola present in the room when you arrived. Your Grandad Anthony waited in the room next door, excited to finally put a face to your name – Otis. You were born, as the sun was rising, at 4:19am. We spent the morning cuddling in the hospital bed in the delivery room, before being moved into a different room next door. Your Grandad Anthony came in the room to take pictures of us and to give you a massive cuddle – he held you just as he held your big sisters. I saw the love he has for you in his eyes. He is so proud to have another Grandchild.

Later that day, your two big sisters, Cora and Maisie, came to meet you. They were SO excited. They had felt you kick, they had helped choose your name, they had decided on your nursery theme and had been shopping for clothes – they could not wait to have their baby brother home. The second they saw you they fell completely in love with you. They held you, they kissed you, they poked your teeny toes and stroked your perfect little hands.

A photographer came the day you were born, to take pictures of you, your daddy and myself. They are AMAZING! You look so beautiful in each and every single one. Mummy looks a little rough, but that’s to be expected I suppose!

Your aunts Zoe and Jayde, your Godmummy Mel, Grandma Sam, Grandma Thelma and Grandad Bernard came to visit you, too. They all held you; they all kissed you; they all fell in love with you. You are SO loved!

The night you were born I slept with you beside me. I sang to you the same lullaby that I sang to your big sisters the night they were born; I read you a story – the same one I read to you for the 35 weeks you grew inside me; I held you to my chest, your skin on mine, as I nuzzled your perfect head of fuzzy, black hair.

We spent 3 days in the hospital together. Your daddy came up every day, all day, to stay with us. He waited on mummy hand and foot! I had food when I wanted, I had drinks when I wanted … I truly relished every single second I had alone with you, though. I treasured every moment because I knew I would never get that back once we were home.

Then it was time for us to go home! It was about 10am that your Grandad came to get us ready, to help me dress you and to put everything in the car. It took me an hour to dress you into your coming home outfit. You were so fragile and I didn’t want to hurt you. Your Grandad placed you on the bed in front of me, I gently unwrapped you from your blanket and slowly took off your baby grow. I took in every last inch of your beautiful skin. I tried to remember every last tiny detailed feature of your perfect body, from the shape of your eyebrows to the creases on your feet, because I knew you wouldn’t stay that way forever.

You were such a teeny newborn, but so perfectly formed. 

Daddy arrived. We were ready. I wrapped you up tightly in your blanket and I held you to my chest. I cuddled you and gave you a kiss on your forehead, before telling you I love you and laying you down.

Grandad picked you up and he carried you out of the room, down the hall past the nurses station, out of the doors, in to the lift, down to the door. He placed you, so delicately, in to the back of the car.

I looked around me and saw all the windows. I knew that, behind those windows there were new babies everywhere. I knew that people were also celebrating the arrival of their bundles.

Everything was perfect. YOU were, and are, perfect. But taking you home that day, it broke my heart.

It broke my heart because you had just been placed in to the back of a car that would take you to a different home than the one I was going to. I was going to MY home, and you were going to YOUR home, at the Chapel of Rest.

You see, my sweet boy, you were born into the arms of angels. You were born without a heartbeat. You were born forever sleeping.

Instead of registering your birth, I registered your death.

Instead of bringing you home in a car seat, I brought you home in a moses basket in the back of a funeral car.

Instead of organising your Christening, I planned your funeral.

It was as perfect as a funeral could be. I decided to carry your ‘Jungle’ nursery theme through to your forever bed, so your coffin was decorated with animal stickers. Maisie and Cora loved that touch. We sprinkled glitter and stars on your coffin after it was lowered, because you are OUR little star. Your big sisters lit a candle that was placed beside your coffin in the church for you, so they were involved in the day and that was their way of saying goodbye. We had our family and closest friends with us to say hello and goodbye to you, all in the same day.

The silence from people in the church as we walked in, your Daddy carrying your coffin in his arms to Over the Rainbow, was deafening.

I, somehow, managed to stay standing through the service and by your graveside until Otis Redding – ‘Dock of the Bay’, started playing. That’s because it was the song we decided to listen to as your tiny, blue, jungle-decorated coffin was lowered into the ground.

Every single day since has been a struggle. I survive because I have to. You have two big sisters here on Earth who depend on me; who look up to me; who NEED me. I survive because I don’t want them to lose their mother, as well as their baby brother.

I’ve been on autopilot since I was sat in the office of a neurosurgeon at 34 weeks pregnant being told, after a pretty problem-free pregnancy, that you weren’t going to survive beyond birth; that, as soon as you were disconnected from my oxygen supply, you would suffocate and die, in front of me. You wouldn’t be able to breathe by yourself. It was inevitable that you were going to pass away and the chances of you making it beyond the next few days was next to nil.

I spent the next few days in turmoil. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to make the most of having you, alive, with me. But, I knew that you would soon be ‘gone’ … You gave us 7 more days of love before you grew your wings. Your little heart stopped beating, after the most courageous fight, at 35 weeks gestation.

During those 7 days, I had ordered your burial outfit. It got delivered on the 28th of May, while you were living and kicking inside me. I received your memory box on that day, too. The pain I felt in my chest when opening the door to those deliveries is a feeling beyond comprehension. Knowing that you were alive and I was here, partially planning life after your death; I felt like an awful mum.

I WANTED to remain hopeful that you would survive, but there was no chance, Otis. Over 3/4 of your brain tissue had already been destroyed because of a nasty tumour and several haemorrhages, and you had just been diagnosed with a blood condition that, even if the tumour and haemorrhages didn’t result in your death, meant you were incompatible with life. There was absolutely nothing anyone could have done.

It’s hard. I keep trying to put into words how I feel, but nothing justifies this pain of having to live without you.

Instead of reading you bedtime stories in a cosy chair, I read bedtime stories for you sat at your graveside.

Instead of buying you toys, I buy you flowers for your grave.

Instead of cuddling you to sleep, I cuddle the blanket you were wrapped in from birth until the day of your funeral to sleep.

Instead of watching your big sisters dote on you, I watch them cry over missing you.

Instead of kissing you goodnight, I kissed you goodbye.

People have often asked what they can do to help me since you passed away. The truth is that there is nothing anyone can really do to make this better, but simply be there. There aren’t any words to console me, or to justify what has happened. There isn’t anything anyone can to do ‘cheer me up’ … but the presence of those who care is beyond appreciated.

One thing that DOES help my heart is when people acknowledge you – when people write your name in birthday cards, Christmas cards, invites; when people write your name in the sand when they travel, so a part of you is travelling with them; when people talk about you and the fact that you LIVED; when people sit beside me in silence, and just hold me; when people ask to see your special things – your babygrow, your pictures, your hospital band; when people have turned up with food, with face masks and bath salts to try to help me relax; when friends have offered to sit and have a night in, and they spent the night talking about you …

It has been 7 months since you left. We will soon approach your 1st birthday, and I hope that people acknowledge you that day; I hope that people honour you on your special day.

You fought SO hard. I am so, so proud to be your mummy. I am beyond honoured to have carried you and I am blessed that you chose me.

Please, let it be known, sweet boy, that if I could choose you – if choosing you then losing you meant having the chance to KNOW you and to LOVE you – then I would choose you again in a heartbeat.

You are my son. You are mine and I am yours, regardless.

Otis Dominic Anthony Cullen: you are missed beyond words and loved beyond measure. I hope you’re sleeping peacefully, sweet boy.

Love, Mummy x

****

Natalie is generously sharing her story here and on her blog because, in her words, “Miscarriage, stillbirth & infant loss should NOT be a stigma, should NOT be a taboo – those precious babies should be more than just a statistic”.

If you know someone who has experienced stillbirth/baby loss, you may like to also read Natalie’s piece, ‘What not to say to a bereaved parent‘.

If you have experienced a loss and need support, you may find the SANDS charity’s resources useful.

Am I rocking motherhood?

I’ve been tagged by the lovely Angela at Life, Motherhood and Everything to participate in White Camellia’s #RockingMotherhood tag. The concept of it is that us busy mums are so focussed on just taking care of business that we forget how great we really are. It’s easy to spend lots of time criticising ourselves or trying to improve, but sometimes it’s good to just take a minute to remind ourselves what we’re doing right. So for this, I’m meant to list 10 ways that I’m “rocking” motherhood.

I have to say that this is not something I would have volunteered for! It is definitely a difficult exercise, but I can see the value in it. You may not agree that the things I do to “rock it” are actually good things! But oh well, here we go…

1. I read a ridiculous amount of stories

Every night, me or their dad read a total of 7 stories. Four for the 4yo and 3 for the slightly more restless 2yo. I’m given to understand that reading so many stories before bed is slightly unusual. But they love it. They love the stories and the attention. And I can see it’s paid off for my 4yo, who is really doing well at learning to read on his own now he’s started school.

2. I also sing a lot of songs

Each boy gets around 3 songs after their story bonanza every night. The 4yo prefers pop music, jazz standards and musical theatre soundtracks. The 2yo always has the same three: Twinkle Star, Black Sheep and Row Your Boat. Like with the reading, I think it’s really benefiting them to learn different songs that constitute part of our culture and to begin taking an interest in music generally.

3. My kids love fruit and vegetables

I don’t know how I did it, but I’m going to go ahead and take the credit. They love their fruit and veg. Both of them will eat broccoli until the cows come home (weird expression – do cows really take a long time to get home?). The eldest often prefers to eat cucumbers and tomatoes to a burger, and will always, always eat fruit. He still thinks it counts as a pudding!

4. The lounge belongs to them

While I can totally understand that some parents prefer to keep the lounge as an adult space, I take the opposite strategy. My lounge is completely covered in toys, and I think that’s a good thing. It is only a very short time that my kids will have loads of toys that they will want to play with in the same room as me. There will be many years when they prefer to hide away in their rooms. So for now, we will all be together in the lounge.

5. I always have time to explain things

It’s a stereotypical story that kids will ask endless questions and parents might just say “I don’t know, leave me alone”. You know, questions like “Why is the sky blue”. I never fob off my kids when they have questions about how the world works. I try to explain what I know, and if I have no idea, we google it together. It’s a great way to spend time together.

6. I try to give them choices when I can

This is something I’m working on and I don’t always excel at. Instead of just dictating things to them, I try to give them viable choices so they can feel like they exert some control over their lives. I’m hoping this is the root to teaching them some autonomy and independence and to making them into confident people.

7. I spend a lot of time teaching them life skills

This is sort of connected to the previous point. I spend loads of time teaching them things like swimming, riding scooters/bikes, cooking, turn taking, climbing. These are things I think they need to know to be well-rounded individuals.

8. I teach them about culture

Be it high or low, I like exposing my kids to things that will expand their horizons. This includes watching lots of different films and TV, listening to pop music, as well as days out to museums, stately homes, etc.

9. I spend time away from them

I am a big believer that absence makes the heart grow fonder. This is as true for parenting as it is for other relationships. A bit of me-time (even if that so-called me time is actually working) makes me a happier, more patient parent when I’m with them.

10. I am honest with them

Okay – mostly honest. When it’s important, I always try to explain the truth to them in a way they will understand. And I try to never make promises that I’m not sure I can keep. I may, however, be guilty of telling minor porkie pies about whether or not there are any biscuits left in the tin.

I’m tagging the following lovely bloggers to join in with this tag next, if they want to:

http://sparklymummy.com/
https://meyoubabytoo.wordpress.com/
http://adventuresofmummyandme.com/
http://www.belledubrighton.co.uk/

Petite Pudding
Tammymum
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