I’ve got a little bit of blogger’s block. I’ve been trying to think of something vaguely funny to write to offset some of my serious posts. It occurred to me that there are all sorts of parenting “soft skills” that nobody talks about. Those little things you do all the time when you have kids, but you never ever did before you had kids. Nor did you ever anticipate that you would need to do such things.
- Scraping toothpaste off of things (e.g. the sink, my bra, the cat)
- Jumping over toddler gates in the middle of the night (because those things are impossible to open when you’re half asleep)
- Explaining why you shouldn’t rest your penis on the sink (But why, mummy? I love to put it there!)
- Explaining why you shouldn’t put your finger up your bum (You shouldn’t, right?)
- Explaining why you shouldn’t put your finger up the cat’s bum (that poor cat)
- Defrosting and cooking sausages (the only thing they’re guaranteed to eat)
- Cutting teensy tiny nails without drawing blood
- Distinguishing poop from chocolate (harder than you might think)
- Cleaning crayon off of windows (impossible)
- Phonics (those things m-m-m-make no ssss-sense to me)
- Extricating back-arching toddlers from narrow behind-the-sofa hiding places
- Cleaning up a poonami without smearing it all over the wall
- Using a screwdriver to replace musical mobile batteries at 4am
- Carrying a handbag, changing bag, shopping and a wriggling toddler at the same time
- Carrying tired preschooler up hills at speed to reach toilet in time
- Secret kitchen biscuit consumption whilst preparing fruit for children
- Never leaving the house without snacks and wet wipes
- Not getting stuck when fetching children off playground/soft play equipment
- Oceans of patience and self-control
- Remembering to get lots of cuddles before they turn into stinky teenagers
Can you relate to any of these? What are your unexpected parenting skills?
