Feb 2017 – The Mum Reviews

Mindfulness and coping with grief

Trigger warning: the topics of losing a loved one and teenaged death are discussed in this post.

I am going through a tough time at the moment. My grandmother, who raised me in my early years, is very ill. She is unresponsive in hospital, and it’s looking like I’ll never get to speak to her again. So although she is not completely gone yet, I am already missing her. I will probably be writing a few posts about my grief and in tribute to her when the time is right. In the meantime, I asked the wonderful Hayley from Mission: Mindfulness – the blog to share some thoughts on how to cope when we lose someone who means the world to us. Hayley’s thoughts here are helping me every moment that I wish I could hear my grandmother’s voice on the phone.

A guest post by Hayley from Mission: Mindfulness: the blog

Dear Reader,

Nicole wrote to me a few weeks ago asking me to write a guest post for The Mum Reviews blog. Nicole is a blogger buddy of mine who I didn’t want to let down, and I was honoured to be asked. I really wanted to write something that fitted with her remit of mindfulness and suffering a loss, yet I was fearful of writing such an important post. I am certainly no therapist and not an expert in grief management, but said I’d have a think and get back to her. And then yesterday I knew what I wanted to write, so here it is.

********
Today was the usual busy morning at our house. Porridge being served. Bread being toasted. The radio blaring out. The kids were, well, just being kids really …

And then suddenly an unexplained and unanticipated sadness hit me – coming from what seemed like nowhere. I was transported to a different place and time. But, as I tuned into the song on the radio, I recognised what was going on. Oasis’s “Masterplan” had started to play. My chest felt like I’d been squeezed too tightly in a big, unsolicited hug, and my eyes prickled in the familiar sensation I feel when tears are close.

Although nearly 20 years ago, the power of music was able to vividly remind me of a tragic event. A time when the fragility of life became palpable to me.

The time when my older sister’s boyfriend was suddenly taken from the world in a tragic car accident.

We’d all had a fabulous summer – working and playing together. It was the era of Britpop, and some of us were enjoying the twilight of our teenage years, while others were embarking on the beginning of their 20s. I recall the new Oasis album had been playing A LOT as we drove around the country roads of Lincolnshire, causing great debate. Some of us loved it – Adam, my sister’s boyfriend, being one. Others of the group were not so sure.

That I remembered all of this as if it were yesterday is testament to how powerful music can be. At that moment, the sadness of losing Adam seemed as raw as it had at the end of the 90s.

And yet Adam had not been my sweetheart. Nor my son. Nor my grandson. Nor my brother. Nor my best friend. And so I can only begin to imagine how many times, and how intensely, this happens to people who were these things to him. And as my thoughts overtake me, whisking me away from my residual feelings, I wonder: how did they cope?

Of course it would be crude to speak of a hierarchy of grief. Yet in reality it seems that the rawest of emotions come when a person is taken from us too young. By this I don’t just mean someone of a similar age, or younger, to the beautiful Adam, but even someone much, much older who still also seems to have so much life and living left. That sense of injustice and anger which mixes with the deep sadness of the grief must be an almost overpowering blend of emotions. Understandably these can lead to very dark thoughts.

Until recently it has seemed the norm in our culture – in keeping with the idea of the British “stiff upper lip” – not to allow these thoughts and emotions to consume us. Rather, to distance ourselves from them as quickly as possible, to distract ourselves, or worse still for our “inner critic” to take over and berate us for not “coping” as we perceive we should.

Instead, Rumi, the 13^th century Muslim poet (much quoted on Mindfulness courses and retreats) offers a different perspective. The suggestion is to allow these feelings and thoughts to freely come and freely go. Without judgement.

To be with them for a moment or two. If that feels okay at that particular moment in time. To view these thoughts and feelings as passing guests and treat them accordingly.

This principle, so important to mindfulness, is eloquently described in Rumi’s poem The Guest House.

The Guest House

Translated by Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Wishing all who are going through difficult times at the moment much love.
Hayley xx

Blog: www.missionmindfulnessblog.com
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Running to help vulnerable children

It is perhaps unoriginal to say that the suffering of others is upsetting to me. But becoming a mum has turned me into an absolute mess when I hear sad stories. I can’t watch any of those big charity fundraising programmes on TV because I just sob all the way through.

When I read the paper on the train to work, I’m often fighting back tears. It’s not that I didn’t have empathy before I had kids, but now that I do, that empathy is visceral.

When someone loses their child, I feel the fear of losing my own child.

When someone loses their parent, I think how much the idea of not being there for my own children worries me.

When children are lost, abused, broken, I think of the sweet innocence of my own children and how brutal it would be if that was torn from them.

Children are living in war zones, watching their families being murdered as they run away to escape their own death, rape or enslavement. Children whose families have lost their homes through debt are living in filthy hostels full of drug dealing and despair. Children are living rough to escape abuse at home. Children are sacrificing their childhoods to look after parents who are unable to look after them.

It’s easy to feel helpless when faced with the world’s violence, hatred and despair. I can only find my way through this by resolving to make some small contribution whenever I have the means or opportunity. So when The Children’s Society asked me to support them by doing a 10K in support of their charity and then blogging about it, I saw a great opportunity to help disadvantaged children whilst doing something healthy for me too.

Last year, The Children’s Society worked with over 18,000 vulnerable children and young people, and their campaign wins will bring life-changing support to more than 5.6 million children. I’m not that keen on running to be honest and never thought I would do a 10K. But it’s very motivating to know that by doing something that will improve my health, I will be playing a small part in improving other people’s lives as well.

If you’d like to know more about The Children’s Society and my training plans, please check out this little YouTube video.

How you can help

If you want to support me, the best (and completely free) thing you can do is to share this post on social media.

If you would like to donate to The Children’s Society in support of my 10K run, you can do it on my JustGiving page.

If you would like to get involved in your own charity challenge, check out The Children’s Society’s challenge page.

Restaurant-worthy refried beans for tacos & more

I am a true Mexican food fanatic. I grew up in Los Angeles, so it’s part and parcel of my childhood. I usually rate a restaurant based on their refried beans; maybe it’s silly, but if they can’t get these right, I’m usually less than impressed with the more complex dishes. As the mum of two small children, I don’t have a lot of time to soak beans from scratch, but this recipe using tinned pinto and black beans is so tasty, you’ll hardly know the difference.

Refried beans can be pretty calorific if you use traditional methods, like including pork fat or lard as your “fat”. For sure it tastes amazing to use drippings, but I can’t handle that much grease, and I don’t keep lard on hand. For this recipe, I use 50/50 butter and veg oil for frying the onions and spices, and the flavour is just as rich. My daughter loves these beans so well, she asked for a bowl to herself. I like them in tacos and burritos, or with a handful of tortilla chips for dipping. This may be a side dish or the star of the show, but it’s easy and fresh. I doubt you’ll go for tinned refried beans again.

You’ll need:

425g/15oz tin pinto beans
425g/15oz tin black beans
1 tablespoon salted butter
1 tablespoon veg oil
¼ cup chopped white onion
1 heaped teaspoon mild diced chilies (I use a small tin of fire roasted diced chilies for flavour, not heat)
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp chicken stock concentrate, or 1 stock cube
3-4 cups of water
Salt and pepper to taste

The method:

Open and drain your beans, but don’t rinse them so that you keep some of their own liquid.

In a wide pan, bring the oil and butter to heat together over a medium-high heat before adding your onions.

Coat the onions in the oil/butter and begin to lightly fry before adding your diced chilies and dry spices.

Allow the spices and chilies to fry lightly for about a minute before adding the drained beans.

Coat the beans with the onion mixture and bring to temperature, allowing the bean liquid to begin to evaporate/reduce. This offers a little frying to some of the beans, before we cover the lot with stock.

Add your chicken stock concentrate and enough water to just cover the beans. Give it all a good stir, cover the pot and reduce to a medium-low heat.

Once the beans are boiling away, covered in a pressure cooker environment, they’ll soften even more, and take on the spices and chicken flavour. I usually allow them to boil for about 20 minutes, topping up the water if it begins to stick on the bottom.

After 20 minutes or so, uncover and bring out the potato masher, if you want to crush the beans. You don’t need to do this, but the smooth consistency of restaurant beans won’t be matched without some smashing.

Once I’ve mashed the beans, I add another ¼ or ½ cup of water to loosen the beans and help them cool down. I go another step and use my food processor to blitz the beans once they’ve cooled a little, especially when using black beans. If you’re only using pinto beans, they’ll likely smash easily enough with the masher.

Once I’ve whizzed the beans, I add salt and pepper to taste, but the chicken stock and butter add sodium, so be sure to taste before piling on the salt.

These refried beans are ready to eat as is, or you can roll them up in a tortilla, serve with rice or chips, or put them into tacos like we did last night. I also made a quick batch of taco meat using ground turkey, and the kids gobbled it up. I hope you’ll enjoy these as well as we do, and have fun making your own restaurant-style beans.

The anxiety of parenting…

Clare has written this fantastic guest post describing her anxiety about her eldest son starting high school. Even though my blog usually discusses parenting of younger children, I think the emotions she is feeling are something that many parents experience, no matter their children’s ages. I hope that her honest sharing will make people feel less alone when dealing with anxiety.

A guest post by Clare from NeonRainbowBlog

My eldest son Oli is 11 this year and joining the world of high schoolers in September. He is nothing but excited about the whole experience. For him this marks his leap into becoming an adult, where he gets more freedom and more responsibility. However, for me, I feel apprehension. My baby is no longer a baby at all, and I have no choice but to let him grow. If I could stop time right now I would, because in all honesty I don’t want him to grow up.

I’ve always been an overprotective parent and I often say the words “It’s better to be overprotective than underprotective”. Throughout Oli’s life he has had to deal with his Mum’s anxiety over letting him grow up, and even though to him it’s normal and doesn’t really phase him, I’ve no doubt when high school and the teenage years really do kick in that it may become somewhat of a problem.

As he’s grown up, my anxiety over parenting him has reared it’s ugly head numerous times. For example:

I was always reluctant to let other people babysit him. When I did it would cause me nothing but worry, panic and nervousness.
Trips to the park were coupled with overbearing “be careful, don’t do that, watch you don’t fall, wait your turn, don’t push in” comments. I’d be constantly following him around like he would break or fall at any moment.
The same could be said for letting him walk places with us. This gave me major anxiety: what if he veered near the road, what if he fell by accident and into the road, what if a car came up onto the path and he was in front, what if, what if, what if.
Even learning to ride a bike came with unbearable anxiety over him falling off, going out of my sight, hitting something, something hitting him.
More recently he started playing out in our cul-de-sac and our neighbours houses. This prompted constant worry over where he was; was he being good? Could I trust him to know his boundaries? And lots more “what ifs”. I’d constantly look out the window or just sit there doing stuff while continuously being able to see him. I’d also text the other mums to make sure he was behaving or being good.

I feel like my anxiety does go beyond the realms of usual parental anxieties. I know every parent will feel some sort of panic over their child growing up, making changes and becoming their own person, but when does that panic get too much?

As time has gone on the anxiety I feel when my son plays out has subsided. He can play out in our little street and in the neighbours’ houses and I feel virtually anxiety free. I’ve gotten used to it. He even ventures over to the shop or the Pokestop on our estate (it’s a few mins away) with his friends – he has to have his phone with him, and a time limit to be back for before I go looking, but 9/10 I feel okay with him going – not 100%, but manageable.

However the thought of him going to high school is terrifying me.

High school for me was a terrible experience. Most of the anxiety I harbour today was born in that playground. I was bullied by my own “friends”, no less (though I didn’t really see this until I was an adult). I felt like I had nobody I could fully trust or who wanted to genuinely be my friend. There would be days I had lots of friends to hang out with, but the very next day they could decide they didn’t want to hang out with me at all, so I’d be the loner. There was no stability for me, and that’s why I find it hard to form friendships now I am an adult. I struggle to trust anyone, and those feelings of sadness, hurt and anxiety I felt are always at the forefront of my mind when I think back to my experience of high school.

I feel all those old feelings of anxiety are flooding back to me every time I think about him going. What if he gets bullied? What if nobody likes him? Will he be okay walking to and from school (even though it’s at the bottom of our estate)?

But furthermore, what about when he wants to go out with his friends alone and go to parties? I don’t know how I am going to cope with giving him that kind of freedom, but I know it’s an essential part of growing up.

Is it just my anxiety from childhood that makes me so nervous for my own child? Will the anxiety fade like when I started giving him the freedom to play out in our street?

I honestly don’t know and I wish I had the answers. All I can hope is that it isn’t too much of a rough ride and that I’ve taught my boy enough about the world to make the right choices.

Any advice for this overprotective, anxiety ridden mother?

Check out Clare’s social media:
https://www.instagram.com/neonrainbow_sw/
https://twitter.com/neonrainbowblog
https://www.facebook.com/Neonrainbowblog/
https://uk.pinterest.com/neonrainbowblog/

Gourmet food, celebrity chefs and drinking by the river

One of my passions in life is food and drink. Before we had kids, my husband and I saved our pennies to go to Michelin star restaurants on big birthdays and anniversaries, and were always on the lookout for special deals that would make the very best cuisine affordable. We still watch all the celebrity chef and cooking shows we can find.

However, having young children has seriously reduced the amount of time and money we have to spend in pursuit of culinary delights. We can’t even watch Saturday Kitchen anymore. It has been replaced by CBeebies (or, if we dare vary from that, lots of whinging). For the most part, the only gourmet food we eat is that which my husband cooks (and he is pretty good, but he hasn’t got any Michelin stars).

So I was excited to learn about Pub in the Park, taking place 19-21 May 2017. This is a fabulous new food, drink and music festival hosted by celebrity chef Tom Kerridge.

In case you don’t know, he’s famous for his 2-Michelin-star gastropub in Marlow, The Hand and Flowers. He also has another pub, The Coach, opened in 2014. He has featured on well-known foodie TV shows such as The Great British Menu, and hosted his own shows such as Tom Kerridge’s Proper Pub Food. Right now, he’s getting a lot of press for his new diet cookbook Tom Kerridge’s Dopamine Diet. I’m pretty impressed that he lost 11 stone with a diet he created for himself. That’s the right way to turn 40!

I’ve been wanting to go to The Hand and Flowers for ages but never had a chance. Now, this fantastic weekend festival is giving me the chance to sample a whole range of gourmet tasting dishes at affordable prices. There will be a fantastic lineup of celebrity chefs there doing cooking demonstrations, along with some great live music, all set in the beautiful Higginson Park in Marlow next to the Thames. Check out this amazing line-up:

There will be plenty of places to get a refreshing beverage and kick back on the riverside. And, best of all, it is family friendly. Under-5s go absolutely free, and there will be a children’s pop up picture house to keep them entertained.

If this sounds like a good day out to you, consider signing up to the newsletter (scroll to the bottom of the page) in order to get access to the exclusive pre-sale on Thursday 23 February. Tickets will be available to the general public from the 24th. On the link above you will also find all the information you need about the festival.

Hope to see you there!

I’m receiving complimentary tickets in return for promoting the event in advance and reviewing it afterwards.

She’s just a mother

A good of friend of mine had a little rant on Facebook last weekend about two things she heard on Radio 4’s Today programme that really made her cross. The first was one female reporter talking with disgust about the picture of Tamara Ecclestone feeding her 3 year old. The second was when another presenter made a counter-argument for government funding for parks and green spaces because “aren’t they just for mums pushing babies around in prams?”.

My friend was upset by the way these two moments on what is usually an enlightened radio programme minimised the experience, expertise and contribution of mothers, and even vilified them. Her impassioned post got me thinking about this quite a bit, and I asked her permission to write about it here.

My friend is right that in society motherhood can be seen as mundane – so everyday that it doesn’t bear thinking about. Or it can be put up on a pedestal – a model of selflessness and competence that many feel they can never live up to.

Motherhood is also something to be regulated. She should breastfeed, but not in public and not for too long. Stay-at-home mums are bored and boring. Working mums are abandoning their children.

On a recent Mumsnet thread, a person rubbished mum blogs, saying “Why would you read a blog written by a bog standard Mum? Isn’t there anything better to read?” Many on the thread agreed with her.

Well, there are all sorts of things to read in the world, some more compelling than others, but what is it about motherhood in particular that wouldn’t be worth reading about? Why is it unimportant for mums to have parks to walk in with their prams?

It’s a lie that society tells us: that women bringing up children is something that is merely to be expected.

This expectation – that we are just doing our jobs – is the reason only 4% of Fortune 500 CEOs are female. It’s the reason that maternity discrimination is still pushing women out of work. It’s why mothers who want to work are still told they can’t have it all.

It’s the reason that stay-at-home mums are still asked what they do all day, and modern dads are tired of being called “babysitters”. It’s why dads who take their kids to playgroups or to parenting rooms are often ostracized and even accused of perversion. It’s why there are still no bloody changing tables in the majority of men’s public toilets.

Despite years of feminism, western society still sees women as the primary caregivers for children, and yet sees caregiving as menial work. And as the work we do is menial, everyone thinks they’re qualified to have an opinion about it.

“What does she know about the best way to feed her child? She’s just a mother.”

“Why is she complaining about losing her job? She chose to become a mother.”

“Why does she write about the highs and lows of motherhood? ONLY other mothers would want to read that.”

“She doesn’t know what’s good for her. I have a right to regulate her body and her parenting choices.”

“She’s too fat/too thin/a yummy mummy/a slummy mummy.”

This is not to say we haven’t made progress. We do have more choices than we once did. We can speak and act more freely than we ever could. But there is still work to be done. We need to let the multitude of female voices – mothers or not – speak for themselves and be heard. We need to carry on defending one another’s choices, even when we don’t agree.

We need to keep telling the world about our “mundane” lives, because they’re not mundane. Our lives are REAL and they are IMPORTANT. And the world needs to know.

Gorgonzola Potatoes recipe

As a parent of two young children, I am mindful of the foods they eat, and the types of processed foods and chemicals that come into their diet. I try my best to cook from scratch, so I know how to pronounce the ingredients, and so my kids can see their mum using ingredients instead of packets. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not nearly perfect, and of course there are days that require a fast food emergency or a frozen pizza hail Mary. I try to minimise the chances by cooking baking trays of food that can be used and reused and frozen and reused later. This dish is a great example.

Served with a roast for a large crowd, or served with Polish sausage for a quick midweek meal, this is an easy dish that tastes extravagant. Using baby potatoes cuts the cooking and prep time, and my flourless cream sauce is gluten-free and fail proof. I strive to incorporate grown up flavours into my recipes. Even though they’re geared towards my 4- and 6-year-old, my husband and I still have to eat dinner! I find introducing the kids to more complex flavours, like stinky cheese, is best done in stages. With this in mind, please feel free to up the stinky ante and go for all gorgonzola in the recipe, but I’ve done a 50/50 with a sharp cheddar to mellow the blue cheese.

This recipe takes just over an hour, but it’s broken up with waiting for the potatoes to boil, and later the oven takes over. As a busy mum, I manage this midweek around washing up, potty breaks and sibling rivalries. The cheese sauce is so simple, and I can walk away from it if I have to without fear of burning. I cook gluten-free meals for my husband, but I’ll never go back to a flour-based sauce again after adopting this method. We like this with kielbasa and steamed broccoli, but it can be served with any number of meat/less varieties. I usually pop the sausage into the oven below the potatoes so they finish together, and it’s scrumdiddlyumptious. Hope you like it!

You’ll need:

Large pot 1/3 full of water (approx. 1 ltr)
15-20 baby (new) white and/or red skin potatoes (I half-filled a 9×13 glass baking dish)
1 tablespoon butter
1 cup chopped white onion (I use frozen)
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 teaspoon lemon pepper
1 ½ cup chicken stock (I used a teaspoon of concentrate dissolved into water)
1 cup crumbled gorgonzola cheese
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
2 cups single cream (or half & half)
Salt and pepper to taste
Large baking dish to single-layer the potatoes in the sauce

The method:

Bring to the boil a large pot full of the potatoes and water. Allow to boil for 10-15 minutes until just soft, slightly beyond parboil.

If you’d like to use a second pot, you can start the cheese sauce now, but I usually get something done while I’m waiting and then reuse the pot while the potatoes drain and cool.

Drain the potatoes and allow to cool slightly for minor handling. Preheat the oven to 190C/375F.

I use the same pot to now melt the butter and onions and allow to lightly fry on a medium-low heat for 3-5 minutes.

Add the dry spices and fry with the onions for about 1 minute before adding the chicken stock.

Allow the chicken stock to reduce by a third for about 5 minutes over a medium high heat.

Add the gorgonzola and cheddar and stir into the stock until it’s melted and incorporated, about 1-2 minutes.

Add the cream and stir into the sauce, reduce the heat to low and allow the sauce to simmer for 3-5 minutes. Have a taste and add salt and pepper as needed.

Don’t worry if it looks like a little oily – as it reduces it will thicken up. Once the sauce covers only the mostly boiled potatoes, they will soak up the sauce so nicely (I promise).

While the sauce is reducing, the potatoes will have cooled and you can either use a cutting board, or my lazy method of toss and slice in the colander.

Once you’ve halved (most of) the potatoes, gently transfer them into the cheese sauce to coat them well.

Pour the potatoes and sauce into a baking dish (greased if metal). If you’ve missed a couple of potatoes in the toss and slice, this is your chance to slice away before putting the dish into the oven. The baby potatoes are so creamy themselves, it’s nice to keep larger chunks, so I don’t go crazy.

Bake uncovered for 30-40 minutes, or until golden on top.

My family love this dish, and it’s lovely to see them embracing stinky cheese. We had it this week with sausage and broccoli, then again with fish and peas. I’ll freeze a portion for easy midweek reheat, or it will go perfectly with a Sunday roast. I hope you find your favourite combination!

A guide to growing Twitter followers for busy parenting bloggers

I have been blogging since the end of July 2016, and just over 6 months later I have over 3,300 followers. I find that I gain an average of 100 followers every week. There are plenty of bloggers out there who have more than me, but I’ve spoken to loads of bloggers who find Twitter difficult.

Most people will tell you that the key to Twitter is to actually chat to people rather than just dropping links to your blog posts. And they’re not wrong. However, I’ve still done pretty well for myself so far, and I am totally chat-impaired. I can’t think of anything to say on Twitter to just start a chat. I am not particularly witty and I fear commenting on current events.

I’ve read loads of posts about how to grow your Twitter, and there are lots of tips out there. In this post, I’ve tried to say something different from what I’ve seen all over town. These are my personalised tips for growing your Twitter without being witty or putting loads of time in. I hope you find them useful!

Get your basics right

Be sure you have nice pictures for your profile picture and cover photo. I personally think that it’s better to have a picture of yourself as your twitter profile pic because it makes you seem more personable. It’s also important to put a clear and personality-laden description on your profile. And of course, make sure you put the link to your blog on there.

It’s also a great idea to pin a post that you’d like people to notice. When I follow a new blogger, I often click on their profile and retweet their pinned tweet.

Get sharing from your blog right

First of all, make sure you are using Twitter cards. Twitter cards are when Twitter automatically adds the featured image of your blog post and its title in a nice big rectangle when you share the link. This is so important. I really don’t think anyone clicks on links that don’t use Twitter cards.

If you are on WordPress.com, Twitter cards should work automatically. If you are WordPress self-hosted, you will need to use a plugin such as Yoast. If you don’t use WordPress, I don’t know how you do it, but it’s worth figuring out.

Also, please make sure that your Twitter sharing button on your blog posts has your Twitter handle connected to it. This means that if anyone shares one of your posts using the sharing button, you will automatically be tagged on Twitter. If you don’t have this enabled, you won’t know if someone shared your post, and you’re missing a valuable chance for interaction. I often don’t even bother sharing posts if their Twitter handle isn’t connected.

Finally, make sure your Twitter handle is easy to find on your blog. You’d be amazed how many blogs on which I’ve struggled to find it!

Don’t use robots or be a robot

Not everyone will agree with me, but I just can’t bring myself to automate my Twitter. Many people use tools that automatically tweet out their new blog posts, but I think that takes the joy out of it.

When I tweet a link to a new post, I don’t use the title of my blog post in the tweet. I write an interesting quote or fact from the post, or I ask my readers a related question. If I tweet the post more than once, I introduce it differently each time.

PLEASE never use automatic DMs. Don’t send any DM to people, automated or otherwise, simply thanking them for following, or asking them to follow your other social media accounts. I don’t know anyone who likes that.

Use hashtags well

When you’re ready to drop a blog post link, spend a few minutes searching relevant keywords to see if there are any relevant hashtags you could use. It’s good to use one or two on each post. Also, check what’s trending and use a trending tag if it’s relevant (and ONLY if it’s relevant).

Be supportive – engage

Even though I’m not good at initiating chats or saying clever things out of the blue, I do engage with other people on Twitter as much as possible. At least once a day I scroll through my feed and retweet or favourite a few things that I like. If I see something to which I have a response, I reply to the person and start a conversation about it.

When I follow someone new, I go through their feed and try to find something to retweet, just to be nice.

If someone shares one of my posts – or tags me in a post that is relevant to me – I always favourite and retweet it. And I reply and thank them for sharing.

Curate who you follow

When I started blogging, I followed a load of random parenting bloggers. This wasn’t too bad of a strategy to start with. Many of them followed me back and I was able to start building relationships with them. Not everyone will agree with me, but I have a general policy of following people back when they follow me, and it’s served me well.

I choose whether to follow someone back based on their profile description.

I always follow bloggers back (because it’s a chance to be mutually supportive).
I don’t waste time following random celebrities, news sites or anything that I don’t feel could potentially benefit my Twitter following or my blog.
I follow back brands I’m interested in (but not that random mattress company in Spain).
I sometimes even follow back those vaguely spammy people who claim to be SEO or content marketing experts on their profiles.
I never follow back content bots (the way to spot them is when all their tweets have every word starting in caps along with clickbait-style links).
I don’t follow back “normal” people who follow me because of a comp or who just tweet about their lunch or their dog.

The thing that makes me totally comfortable with following freely is Crowdfire. It tells me when someone unfollows me or if I’m following an inactive account. If someone unfollows me, I simply unfollow them back. If someone never tweets, I unfollow them too. It is purely through this strategy that I’ve managed to end up following fewer people than the amount following me.

Take advantage of linky retweets

If you are joining in with linkies (and if you’re trying to grow your blog, you probably should be), a lesser know fact is that they are great for your Twitter account. If you have no idea what a linky is or how to use one, please read Cuddle Fairy’s Linky Guide.

The main purpose of a linky is to get comments on your blog whilst discovering and supporting other blogs. However, most linky hosts will offer to retweet the link to your post if you tag them on Twitter once you’ve linked up. And most linky hosts have huge followings, so they will be sharing your post with a huge amount of potential followers.

For example, one of my favourite linkies is “Keep Calm and Carry on Linking Sunday” hosted by A Moment with Franca. Franca alone has over 10,000 followers, plus she usually has about 4 co-hosts who will also retweet you. So they will be spreading your link all over Twitter. I also join a linky called #EatSleepBlogRT hosted by Petite Pudding and Diary of an Imperfect Mum, in which the main goal is for people to retweet each other’s posts.

Twitter chats

I have only joined in one Twitter chat – #tribalchat (follow @tribalchattweet for more info) on Tuesdays at 8pm – but it has been so beneficial to me. Every time I do, I get noticed on Twitter, even occasionally by brands. I assume this is because you are being active and Twitter’s algorithm decides to show you to more people. And even better than that, I’ve actually made some really good blogging friends through doing it!

The way #tribalchat works is that there is a host each time and they ask “icebreaker” style questions that all the chatters answer. They’re usually very silly and even slightly rude. Then we are all meant to interact and chat away as much as possible. You can join in as much or as little as you choose. Just remember to put #tribalchat in everything you tweet so the others will see what you write.

It can be intimidating at first, and I know I didn’t feel I was witty enough with my answers. But alcohol and practice has made me a pretty decent #tribalchat-ter. A few practical tips:

Chat on your laptop. The chats go fast and it’s almost impossible to keep up on a phone.
Check the host’s feed for the questions.
Search on the #tribalchat hashtag to see what other chatters are saying. Remember to click the “latest” tab, otherwise you’ll only see the most popular things people say rather than all the things.
Keep refreshing your notifications too and respond to what people say to you.
Retweet anything you think particularly funny or interesting.
Use GIFs because they’re funny and take up more space.

If #tribalchat isn’t your cup of tea, you could try #ukpbloggers, #tbhchat or #babybantzchat, among many others. Fellow blogger Samantha from North East Family Fun also suggested to me that joining in with local non-blogger chats is a great way to bring in a new crop of readers.

Run competitions on your blog

I use Rafflecopter to occasionally run competitions on my blog, when I find a brand willing to cooperate. You can ask people who want to win your comp prize to follow you on Twitter and tweet about the comp. This has the potential to grow your following massively. Some compers will unfollow after the competition finishes, but many will stick around.

Thank you to bloggers who responded to my crowdsourcing request for this post. I found I already had pretty set ideas for the post, but their contributions were appreciated:

Check out ‘Twitter chats‘ and ‘15 things I did to grow my Twitter following‘ on Me & B Make Tea’s blog.
I also heard from Whinge Whinge Whine, Raising the Rings, Devon Mama, Boo Roo and Tigger Too, REOLife and Samantha Rickleton.

What do you think of my Twitter strategies? What are your top Twitter tricks?

The Bedtime Tag – good and bad habits

Like just about everyone who scrolled past a social media mention of The Bedtime Tag, I thought it was a quiz about your bedtime routines for your kids. So I ignored it for a while because I’ve already written about my kids’ bedtime routine. When I actually clicked on to read one, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it’s about grownups, and what we parents get up to before we go to sleep (for however short a time before a small human requires attention).

So here is a little insider info about my bedtime habits, with thanks to Kimberly from Odd Hogg for tagging me.

Describe your usual bedtime routine.

I usually stagger upstairs at about 10pm if I have work the next day. I make it to 11 or later on the weekend. I put my phone on to charge, go upstairs to get changed and brush my teeth, then I read a chapter of my book before going to sleep. Wow, that wasn’t as interesting to describe as I thought it would be. Oh well, read on – it gets better.

What are your favourite pyjamas?

I am faddy about sleepwear. On most occasions, I go to bed sporting only pants. Sometimes I add an old ratty t-shirt to the mix. But I do have some nice pajamas. My mother-in-law buys me lovely ones at Christmas most years. This year I got some nice satin-y ones – a button-up top & long bottoms – black with colourful flowers on.

What is your current bedtime reading?

Last summer, my brother-in-law recommended a series of fantasy books by Robin Hobb. They have a bit of magic, a few dragons, some romance and plenty of violence. But the best thing about them for me is the writing is incredibly good. She talks about some pretty interesting aspects of humanity cloaked in a gripping story. There is lots of realism mixed in with the escapism. If you want to try reading them, start with The Farseer Trilogy.

I don’t always read fantasy though, I like to read classic novels too. Last year this time I was reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Brontë. It’s a smashing piece of emergent feminism.

What would I find on your bedside table?

My awesome alarm clock that slowly wakes you up with natural light. It combats Seasonal Affective Disorder and has made it so much easier for me to wake on dark winter mornings. I also have my Kindle, a bottle of water, and some random crap – possibly empty medicine packets from whenever the last time I was sick.

What scent makes you sleepy?

I’m not sure if any scent makes me sleepy exactly, but I love the smell of lavender for relaxation. My dad used to put lavender in the heating vents when I was young, and our house always smelled beautiful and felt relaxing.

What is your usual bedtime and wakeup time?

Bedtime was covered above. I have to wake up at 6:45am on the days I work in London, and the kids wake me sometime between 7 and 8am on non-work days (on top of the 2 – 6 times the toddler woke me in the night).

What are your top three bedtime products?

Try as I might, I can never seem to get into using lots of beauty products at bedtime. I don’t put any age-defying goop on my face.

So my top three products at bedtime are toothpaste, easy-glide floss, and GUM interdental brushes. Seriously, all I do at bedtime is care for my teeth. As they say in Pretty Woman, “you shouldn’t neglect your gums”.

And if I might be allowed to add a cheeky 4th item: my memory foam pillow. My husband got it for my birthday and although it didn’t seem very romantic at the time, my sleep has been improved by it ten-fold.

What is your most common sleeping position

I think I probably end up on my tummy a lot, but I toss and turn a lot and give all of the positions a turn.

Do you have anything you like to take to bed with you?

My husband?! Sorry, couldn’t resist. I think the answer to that is no. I still have some beloved soft toys from my childhood, but they sit near the bed and no longer accompany me into it.

What is your worst bedtime habit?

This is really bad. Environmentalists and keepers of tidy houses alike will hate me.I mentioned I keep a water bottle on my bedside table. So basically, I reuse plastic water bottles at my bedside many times over. But when I’m ready to have a new plastic bottle, I bring a new one upstairs. And then I often just stick the old one on the floor just under the bed. I end up with a collection of dusty used water bottles under my bed. I occasionally have a clearout. I know, you’re disgusted with me now. I should have just said “trumping”. 😉

I tag Kelly from Kelly Allen Writer, Vic from Mum Times Two, and That Mummy Blog to complete the questions above.

THE RULES OF THE BEDTIME TAG

Step 1: Thank the person who nominated you, and link back to their blog.
Step 2: Display The Bedtime Tag badge; which you can find above. (save the picture)
Step 3: Answer the ten questions included above.
Step 4: Nominate fellow bloggers to take part and answer the above questions.

Tarragon Chicken with Mushroom and Spinach recipe

I don’t always have it in me to eat kid-type foods, so I make my kids eat grownup food once in a while. This is a recipe that can easily be used for a dinner party, but my kids really like it too! As with most of my meals, I try to hide vegetables and use mild spices. You can opt out of the splash of white wine if your kids are just not having it, but it really does add an acidity that cuts the cream nicely.

I like the fragrance of fresh tarragon, but dried works really well, and I even use a bit of the dry flake to top up the tarragon flavour at the end if necessary. I prefer to use my cast iron pan, to get good colour on the chicken, but your favourite browning pan will still work a treat. Try not to shift the chicken once you’ve placed it so that a nice rich colour develops, even if it’s only on one side. It’ll add to the flavour of the dish once you deglaze with the wine or water.

My house was smelling so good once I got started on this, and it only took 45 minutes from start to finish. A midweek feast, really, and easy with plain white rice to serve. I use my rice cooker with just a tab of butter and dash of salt to cook with the rice. The sauce from this recipe requires no additional flavour from the rice as it’s so rich and creamy.

You’ll need:

1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
2-3 chicken breasts
2-3 sprigs fresh tarragon (2 tablespoons dried)
1 cup sliced leek
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black or white pepper
1 tsp dried garlic powder
1 tablespoon salted butter
¼ cup white wine (optional)
½ cup warm water
2 cups single cream or half and half
1 cup finely chopped white mushrooms
1 cup chopped spinach (I use frozen)
1 teaspoon white granulated sugar
Serve with white or brown rice for four adult meals, 2 cups dry rice should do the trick

The method:

Warm your oil in a pan over a medium heat before adding the sliced leeks and a handful of tarragon leaves (no stems). Allow the leeks and leaves to lightly fry for about 1-2 minute.

Press the leeks to the side of the pan to clear the oil; you’ve now flavoured it for cooking the chicken.

Add the chicken breast, room temperature is best for getting good colour, and put the leeks on top of the breast so the chicken gets good contact with the pan and the leeks don’t burn.

Allow the chicken to brown, try not to shift it, for about 3 minutes on each side.

Add a tab of butter and allow it to melt before adding the mushrooms.

Add the mushrooms in around the chicken to allow a light fry in the oil with the leeks and tarragon mostly on top of the chicken.

Remove the chicken to a plate and cover with aluminium foil.

Add the white wine or a bit of water to deglaze the pan; basically scrape everything off the bottom to save that flavour for your sauce.

Add the cream and combine, allowing it to come up to a light bubble.

Add the chopped spinach and incorporate into the sauce.

Add the garlic, sugar, salt and pepper, and any dry tarragon you feel you need to taste.

Add the chicken back to the pan with any juices from resting and allow to lightly simmer for about 15-20 minutes over a low heat. You can cover the pan if you feel like it’s reducing too quickly.

I use a rice cooker to make 2 cups of white rice to serve, so this is the perfect time to get that started. The chicken and rice should finish at just about the same time.

Check the largest/thickest piece of chicken after 15 minutes simmering to see if the juices are running clear. Once you’re satisfied the chicken is cooked through, turn off the heat and serve over the rice.

Depending on how much sauce you want, you can allow this reduce further, or add a bit more cream to mellow the flavours for younger diners.

The mushrooms and spinach disappear into the leeks and tarragon, and the sauce is just lovely over the rice. It’s a pretty healthy meal, really, and gluten free! Enjoy!